Confused Me *
When my husband decided to come to the US, I was not at all happy or excited.It took me six long years to convince him to return back.Well, we have finally made our decision to return once my husband gets a good job offer in India.I have already started buying things I would like to use in India.We have stopped buying furniture,electronics or other big items which cannot be used in India.But, somehow inside me I do not find the thrill and excitement I had expected.Why? I do not know.
Maybe it's the nervousness of starting all over again.Or like many people have I started believing that my kids would be better of here.Maybe its the lifestyle.No,I don't think so.Our lifestyle has not changed much. So do I want to go back or not.I am not sure. My mother used to tell us when we were kids that when you are confused you should close your eyes and listen to what your heart really says.I have been trying to do this every night,but my heart seems confused too ! So, let me leave this thing to time and destiny.
posted by Anjali at
2/22/2006 10:16:00 PM
16 Comments:
I still feel that in the long run you'll not repent returning back to India. If you have money, then life can be as easy here also - minus the population.
By
Anonymous, at February 23, 2006
Tuttu,
If you have money,it will be easy for you anywhere.And of course if I had money I would not have been here,so far away from my family.I am just worried that hope I do not regret later.Once I come back I will lose my Permenant resident status too.
By
Anjali, at February 23, 2006
Mukesh here,
Since I came back from a short stint in the US in end 1998 this thought has often been in my mind too whether I am doing the right thing being here in India or should I just relocate to the US. Two of my ex-Bosses offered me very good opportunities, a third opportunity was also offered in Europe at a place of my choice (either London or Budapest) and heading a team of business development managers looking after large accounts.
Consciously I have taken the decision to continue in India and try to settle for the long term by moving to a higher level of competency in my career so that lifestyle does not suffer. However, there are many many days when I do feel a little "left out" when I see that Indians still give a lot of importance to visiting US or living in the US. I overcome that by trying to go abroad whenever possible, last 3 years I have not been able to but as the workload here has been very tough!
The points mentioned by you and the others are good, my personal opinion is listed below on each of them;
* You do not feel the thrill and excitement of coming back to India because of every single reason that you yourself mentioned. However, mostly I feel it would be the worry that you should not be making the wrong decision
* Nervousness of starting over, I dont think you should worry about it. Most of the people who are coming back to India now are managing salaries of 1.0 lakh or more, with that kind of money in India and if you manage to get back with about 100-150k USD in savings then you will not exactly be 'starting over' but would actually have a head start. The US experience will also help in the career here.
* Regarding kids being better there, the processes associated with schools / public utilities etc are better definitely and the overall support system is very robust. But it is not that your kids would be better off there. Kids get to learn a lot here also, in the US or other foreign countries I believe that over the next decade there will be a bigger resistance to non-american origin people and every child will be affected by it, so it wont be a big deal in the end.
* Regarding lifestyle, with a good job here the lifestyle is much much better. With drivers, servants and with vendor services / repairs being pretty much cost effective, the standard here will be much better, you will be able to accomplish much more in your day to day work.
* Atul is very right that the whole world is looking at the BRIC (Brazil, Russia, India and China) countries, we are fortunate to be growing up in this generation, let us make the best use of it.
I feel that it is now or never, if you want to be close to family then it is the best time to find a suitable opportunity and settle down here. After that, make sure that you have visas and papers in hand to be able to visit the US whenever you want.
But the bottomline is that every person needs to make his or her choice, so in the end do what seems the best option to keep the immediate family happy and ensure you make a move only after a formal job is in hand. Else it is very easy to fail in "trying to come back". I have seen 2 cases in the last six months;
(a) A friend of mine got married to an Indian who had settled in Mauritius about 150 years ago. She wanted to come back and spent over three months trying to find a suitable job but was not satisfied now her husband has gone back there and she left her accenture job there and is just sitting here waiting for him to get a better opportunity.
(b) there was another friend who came back with the intention to "fail in trying to settle down here". He got his company to send him to India but after landing here he did not take a permanent house, used to talk about everything as temporary and "will see how it goes in 6 months", I am trying to settle here because my mother is old and I want to be close to her. I had predicted on day 1 that he will fail and had also listed possible causes. True to that, he finally quit India one day and sought a transfer back giving very lame excuses how he tried his best but he is not able to adjust to the Indian culture, corruption, pollution etc !
Decide carefully and if you are happy then you should really come back here right now.
Bye
Mukesh
By
Anonymous, at February 24, 2006
If I would have been in this situation I would have asked these questions to myself .
Q1)What's makes you think that you should be coming back?(Yes, you are confused now but when you made the decision you would have had some things in mind)
* a) Proximity to relatives?
* b) Better quality of life?
* c) Your emotional bonding to the motherland?
* d) Peer pressure and apprehension of kids growing differently than their counterpart.
Q2) What stops you from coming to India ?
* a) Missing the lifestyle that you have achieved there?
* b) Kids not getting the best?
* c) Getting out of the comfort zone that i have been living in for the past so many years?
* d) Fear of the fact that "If i/family does not adjust in India, then what"?
Having said this, I think that materialistically India will not win over US...after all we are comparing a developing nation to a developed nation.You are not getting the answer(I am no analyst but just trying to figure out that this is what might be happening) because you are questioning your heart but your mind is replying.
So the only thing (I believe) that will matter is "Home is where the heart is".Mind game will not pull you back to India, heart surely will.
Hope to see your here :-)
By
Anonymous, at February 24, 2006
Mukesh,you are right.It's very important to have a job there and then go back.
Also,as Atul said,the World is looking at India regarding IT sector.
The jobs in US have become so unpredictable.You come to office one fine morning and find out that this is the last month of your job!
By
Anonymous, at February 26, 2006
I have been thinking about this since you informed us that u wanted to be back. I think it is a good idea to come back. You may crib about electricity, cleanliness, roads, mosquitoes etc. but you will surely feel at home.
As for Anusha and Pratyush, once you settle down I don't think there will be a problem. Anusha is just a kid. I was 8 when we returned from Libya(I know there is no comparison between Libya and America)but I have only a vague remembrance. Initially they will not like all this but I am sure that they will adjust.
One important thing is whether jijajee is willing to work in India? I am sure he will get better opportunities here but the working style is different. If he is willing then there is no problem.
Finally, I am a firm believer of destiny so if you are destined to live in India whether u like it or not you will have to stay here and vice versa. So don’t be tensed or confused rather if you have decided to come back enjoy your stay there. MAST RAHO
Anjali Di I have a major problem – If you will come back who will bring diapers for Arnav , Chocolates(esp M&M) for Ananya etc. etc. . Please arrange for all this before coming to India. HA-HA
I AM VERY HAPPY THAT YOU ARE COMING BACK. I AM PRAYING TO GOD THAT YOU SETTLE HAPPILY IN DELHI/NOIDA. GURGAON WILL ALSO DO.
By
Anonymous, at February 27, 2006
Four aspects are to best studied:
-Motiviation for both of you and to what extent.
-Financial consideration
-job satsfaction
-and finally the discomfort that you will face off and on in day to day life.
If these aspects are clear,you can make a good decision.
By
Anonymous, at February 27, 2006
Anjali Di - I know that you know my opinion on this as we have had this discussion so many times now. Knowing you and Jijajee - I am sure you will be very happy in India. All the points mentioned by everyone are very valid - DON'T WORRY, JUST PACK YOUR BAGS AND GO!! Everything else will fall in place and you will be much happier there.
I will like to speak for myself. Somehow this has never been a difficult decision for me. Even before I came to the US I was sure that I will go back; and after almost 7 years now, I am even more convinced that I have to go back. I have nothing against the US - this country is great and has given a lot to me and I have huge respect for the country; but India is INDIA!! I mean really - sare jahan se achcha, hindustan hamara! I would any day prefer to be in India with all its problems and be part of history that is in making now - I will be able to see India mature from a developing country to a global power; I want to be part of that action.
Having said that - the biggest reason I want to get back is because I want to be closer to the family. Staying in US will give me a lot professionally but in my opinion we should balance personal and professional life. Meeting family members once a year is a big pain point for me. However hard I try, I cannot have the social life that I can have in India.
Money and professional growth have been two major factors in my decision to stay in US for so long now - but I think now I am at a stage where I can get decent money in India also - and with that money I can probably have a better life style that I have here. I agree that I will have to face infrastructure issues in India but that's absolutely acceptable to me if I get to stay close to my near and dear ones.
So again, make up your mind by considering where you will be happy - everything else fill fall into place:
1. You can get a one time waiver to keep you GC status - I came to know this from a friend. This should anyway not matter because if you go, BETTER GO FOR GOOD. Don't even think of getting back to US again. So losing the Green Card will not be an issue.
2. Even if Jijajee doesn't get a job from here, he will not have any problem getting a good job after landing in India. The market is so hot that a person with 10+ years of experience in IT will easily get a high paying job.
3. The kids will need some special attention in the initial days to make them mix in the new society - but with family support, this will also become easy. With so many cousins of similar age group around, they will be able to mix in Indian environment very easily. One more thing for you to consider is this - don't you think that it helped us in becoming the men and women that we are today because all of us grew up together in Patna - it helps in shaping the personality of a person. I think its good for the kids to grow up with cousins of the same age.
I can go on and on but let me stop here. I really really think that you should happily go back and settle down in India - and I hope that you do so before I move to India. Even if you don't, take a decision - the most important thing is that you should be happy! JAHAN BHI RAHO, MAST RAHO!!
By
Kush, at March 03, 2006
There is always confusion in changing place and job. The decesion is not taken on the spur of moment and listening to heart and attachments.I had the problem myself,when I was leaving a good bright job in UK. I would be rich and famous had I stayed. My consideration and mental make up was made the day I left India that I will not stay,after my studies. I had a job here and at that time and calculation could take me to great heights. You have to think deeply, why you want to return?Motiavation . Does Pratap also feel strongly like you. When both of you are equally interested then think for further action. We will keep on discussing on this subject from time to time.
By
Anonymous, at March 04, 2006
Hi Anjali,
It was a bit of a surprise that you have finally come to the confusion part of living here in the US... In the last 10 years I have felt the same as you are and have seen tons of friends go thru it too. The interesting part is all of us are still here and still debating.
Until 2002 I was the one who wanted to go back always...the kid was young adjusting would not be a problem and heat and mosquitoes never bothered Aabir and I felt no matter how much I complained about heat and humidity, all the love from everyone... you cannot beat that...I had even called the movers and taken an estimate and trust me the figures were not bad to move my house(I meant the stuff inside!!!).
That was the time when we saw the biggest slump in the job market and I wanted to make use of the situation..but it did not work.
I am very much here no more debating because i have come to terms with it and I try to see when we will retire now because my medical bills will force me to go back...welcome to the new world!!!!!!!!!!the land of opportunity...(I hope we have some opportunity left for our children...it will be a disaster if our kids have to beg for jobs as Americans from india and china!!!Then I am really going to bite my fingers off not just my nails..
By
Anonymous, at March 24, 2006
i write comments with vague hope that it will be published but fruitless effort
meena
By
Anonymous, at March 26, 2006
anjuli
i feel if u and pratapji are willingly ready to come back then it will have positive effect on your children.if u two wont repent for that then surely children will adjust .kaha hi jata hai"bachche kachchi mitti ke banay hotey hai jis shape me mould karna hai kar lo"of course to certain age limit.and i think these kids still belong to that agelimit.
c.fua
By
Anonymous, at March 26, 2006
C.fua,I think you are absolutely right.We can mould children at this tender age anyway we like.They may miss in the beginning,but gradually they will learn to live in their new environment.
Suparna,I kept hearing from you that you will go back.I thought that decision still stands!So,now you think you will go back after retirement.We'll see.
By
Anonymous, at March 30, 2006
Don’t get confused ………analyze your decision.
At least think of going after filing your citizenship….
You and Pratap will have no problems in settling down in India, so don’t get scared regarding this issue and even Pratyush and Anusha will not have problems in settling down because of our solid family support there.
The only concern which I’m going to point to you is……...Kids studies.
Think of the competition Pratyush is going to face there. In spite of being a very good student may be he will have to face difficulties in getting admission in a good college, because of the cut throat fight for one mark or half mark. Till now the system has not changed …….no. of colleges remain the same but no.of students are increasing day by day .And If you think of Technical side competitions……..again our kids will suffer because of the reservations.I had suffered and was frustrated …….. Do you want your kids to suffer the same? Here, At least our kids can definitely make to some good “A” grade college.
So don’t think emotionally, think practically…………
As far as attachment with families are concerned………you are blessed because nearly most of your relatives are in NJ or very nearby. Even you can send them to India in their summer vacations and let them do lot of masti. Time to time you all can visit your families in India……….that is totally under your control.
As far as having base in India is concerned……….( after few years), buy one apartment in Delhi (or where ever you are comfortable) and keep it for your OLD AGE. Once both the kids are settled ,then any time Pratap can take retirement and you people can settle down in India… may be at this age Pratush and Anusha will refuse coming back with you people….. But this option will always be there even if you take them now and send them here for higher studies. I’ll say you will not regret once you see them settled in their lives.
By
Anonymous, at March 31, 2006
To start with - I had exactly the same thing in mind what Sharmila has pointed out - that staying in India both Pratyush and Anusha would have to face a tougher competition compared to what they would face here.
However on the flip side we must say that luck is also a major factor. There is as much of a chance of kids to grow up in the land of opportunities and not avail it to the best as there is of them to grow up in the land where opportunity is considered luck and still do great in life. We really don’t have to go very far for examples of people who fall in the second category.
My intention was actually to help you out of this confusion but I think advocating for both the options together hasn't really served the purpose. The fact being that probably I am as confused as you in this matter. I think most of the Indians out here would be as confused as you are - some are more vocal than the others.
Well all I can say - is that this is a big decision and I would say Do what your heart says - sometimes it is just better to go with your gut feeling. However since Pratush has been visiting India very often and he is big enough to form an opinion, ask him where he wants to be. Any discontentment shown by him is actually one reason why you should not go.
I am telling you this because I was actually Pratyush's age when I returned from UK to India and till the date I was actually married and came to the US - I used to ask my mom "what made you come to this country?"
My point is that more than opportunities, circumstances and living conditions this decision is a matter of happiness of the whole family... So decide what your heart says just be sure that all four of you are happy with the decision.
By
Anonymous, at April 01, 2006
Who knows,after ten years competitions for admission in colleges may get difficult in the US too.With Asian and now Spanish people moving here,this country might get over-populated too.In India,at least we can think of sending kids to donation institutes.What will you do in the US,the studies being so costly?
By
Anonymous, at April 03, 2006
Post a Comment
<< Home