Changing patterns in behaviour & emotions during disease

written by Dr. Anjani Kishore Prasad
I am giving my personal experience on how disease affects mind, thoughts, behaviour and emotions. During the early phase, whenever it was pointed out to me about my tremor, I skipped over and changed the subject. When it became apparent in face and gait I was mentally disturbed. How could I hide my disease? Being a professional it could have effect on my medical practice. Patients would hesitate for operations because I had tremors. Still I carried on with some explanations. Friends advised me not to give out my diagnosis and its relative disability to known and unknown patients and relatives. I followed it. But mentally, I was disturbed. This dishonesty in behavior and thoughts was alien to me. Slowly but, with confidence I described my disease to a few and later on I found that it has not made a tremendous impact on my medical practice. So far I was doing well with my limited disability. My practice did not suffer.

Next Phase brought a sea of change in my thoughts.This was related to my Non-Hodgkins Lymphoma and its treatment. Chemotherapy made me dull, physically unacceptable and emotionally detached. With loss of hair, I was advised to use a wig! Other advises were to be socially present everywhere so that I may remain in circulation. I decided against a wig. I tried to develop positive thoughts to change the situation. It was not possible to be socially present everywhere with a sick face, bald head, no eyebrows. That was a phase when I believed I became an escapist. Loss of energy and vitality brought about lack of concentration emotion and confidence. I was present among the family members and social places but with certain feelings which I cannot describe, in which thinking of getting away from the function, not participating in jokes and function were prime thoughts.

Another phase came and I had total lack of concentration, not appreciating the circumstances and environment. This was a phase when a positive confidence changed into a negative attitude. I avoided social gatherings, professional meetings and marriages and parties. Just avoiding, not because of any physical inability but rather what I would say, a period of depression. I tried my best to read books on how to conquer negative thoughts of depression into positive thoughts. Purnima was always encouraging me to lead a life as I had led and behaved, not to remain detached and isolated. Finally I accepted my fate and in my wisdom the consequences of life. I made Peace with Life. Though helpless physically, I always give a brave face, but in hearts of hearts everything was artificial.

And now, I find myself clinging to my own life, fully dependent. Though everyone wants to help, I behave in a selfish way. I am selfish to that extent that I don’t think anything about others except myself. My worst phase I believe is still to come, loss of practice will bring a tight and strained financial situation. This phase I must conquer.It is not financial aid that I am looking for, but how to manage my own finances and still keep myself happy and contented. I know that somewhere expenses have to be tuned, but it should not obviously reflect on the living standard.
To overcome all these problems I thought religious learnings will give peace. I bought religious books but I did not find much interest in those. I did study The Gita but one reading is not sufficient. As the teaching goes in the Gita you have to surrender to God- mentally, physically and emotionally doing your own duty assigned to you. God will help you.
Looking at Purnima, I believe that study of religious books increases your religious knowledge, but does not make you religious. Basic is meditation and prayer and the rituals of worshipping God that I observed from Purnima, which may follow in me. I am told there is great strength in prayer, meditation and faith.